This Week in Gaming (Snarky Style): EA Dumps Online Pass, Writer Dumps Joe Biden, Google Breaks Out

It’s time for everyone’s favorite snarky, sarcastic, tounge-in-cheek-hey-that’s-not-my-cheek look at the latest headlines in the world of video games.  Ignore those other articles out there that are claiming the new Xbox will include a built-in George Foreman Grill and SlapChop and read something like this one, which is purposely not taking things seriously… except for maybe one of these.

EA Dumps Online Pass Continue reading “This Week in Gaming (Snarky Style): EA Dumps Online Pass, Writer Dumps Joe Biden, Google Breaks Out” »

This Week in Gaming (Snarky Style): Faux News Host Rants, Star Wars Stuff & More on the $2,600 Banana

It’s that time of week again.  Take some video game based headlines from the past week, sprinkle with some sarcasm and there you go.  Keep readin’

World of Warcraft loses more players

According to reports, World of Warcraft has lost 1.3 million subscribers so far this year.  This drops the total sub count to around 8 million players, down from a peak of 12 million in 2010, making one wonder how the execs of Activision Blizzard will continue to afford car payments (there’s that sarcasm I warned you about).

While many speculate about the exact reasons for the loss of subscribers, unnamed sources point to an ingredient in that god awful red Mountain Dew that reminds people of the concept of going outside.

Achievement Unlocked: 10G – Or perhaps creatures with Mr. T heads freaked people out.  I pity those fools, though.  I do.  I do. Continue reading “This Week in Gaming (Snarky Style): Faux News Host Rants, Star Wars Stuff & More on the $2,600 Banana” »

This Week in Gaming (Snarky Style): Katie Couric, Man Loses Savings on Carnival Game, Madden Skips Wii U

Welcome once again to my weekly snarky sarcastic and bombastic rundown of headlines from the world of these video game things.  In time, they might just catch on.

Madden to skip the Wii U

EA Sports has confirmed that they will not be releasing Madden NFL 25 for the Nintendo Wii U, marking the first time since John Madden Football ’93 that a title in the endless football game franchise won’t appear on a Nintendo console.

Interestingly enough, this year’s Madden Cover Athlete Barry Sanders was a marquee player in the 1993 edition, perhaps proving once and for all how little has really changed in the series over the years.

Achievement Unlocked: 10G – So much for my dream of a Madden telestrator function using that big Wii U tablet thing.  ”Lookie here and this hit!  Whapp!  Bam, a six legged turkey!” while circling stuff like crazy.  Oh well.

Deja Vu

Gaming news sites posted a bunch of stuff yesterday after the first teaser for Call of Duty: Ghosts was released.  It is now confirmed that a new Call of Duty game will release in early November.

These sites, however, have yet to confirm Thanksgiving will also take place this year in late November, but it is also expected. Continue reading “This Week in Gaming (Snarky Style): Katie Couric, Man Loses Savings on Carnival Game, Madden Skips Wii U” »

This Week in Gaming (Snarky Style): Next Xbox, New Call of Duty, and a Pac-Man Pot Bust

So much to talk about in gaming this week.  The unnamed sources are going wild with gaming headline goodness.  Here’s a rundown of it all, according to sources.

Barry Sanders wins Madden NFL 25 cover 

An old school player won this year’s Madden cover vote, as the legendary Barry Sanders will grace the cover of the 25th anniversary of the famed and flamed football gaming franchise.

This has brought many to wonder about the status of the “Madden Curse”, given that Sanders is not a currently active athlete.  According to sources, shortly after the vote results were announced, Sanders was offered to replace Emmitt Smith as the Just For Men spokesperson.

The curse lives.

Achievement Unlocked: 10G – Almost claimed he fell in the tub and broke his hip, but then realized Sanders is only 7 years older than me.  Ugh.

A new Call of Duty this year? Shocking

Apparently leaked Target ads ruined the megasupersurprise news that there will be a new Call of Duty later this year, this time called Call of Duty: Ghosts. Continue reading “This Week in Gaming (Snarky Style): Next Xbox, New Call of Duty, and a Pac-Man Pot Bust” »

This Week in Gaming (Snarky Style): Rare Goodwill find, SimTeeth and Earthbound is WiiBound

What did you miss in this week’s gaming headlines?  It’s time for a totally serious breakdown of it all, and unlike CNN and the New York Post this week, all of this news is actually confirmed!

Earthbound is coming!

As part of their “make my wife insist I buy a Nintendo Wii U” efforts, the 16-bit cult classic Earthbound is finally making it’s way to the Virtual Console.  Sadly, the dusty Wii I have near my television won’t be enough to finally snag this classic in the modern day.

I guess that’s what I get for trading the original one into FuncoLand in 1996, huh?

Achievement Unlocked: 10G – True story, sadly.  Even worse is that I have no memory what I picked up with that store credit.  Ugh. Continue reading “This Week in Gaming (Snarky Style): Rare Goodwill find, SimTeeth and Earthbound is WiiBound” »

This Week in Gaming (Snarky Style): CoD championships, EA voted worst company again & Xbox guilty of murder?

What rocked the world of video games this week?  It’s always something, right?  Here’s my weekly snarky rundown of five headlines that stood out to me.  Read up… ya might learn somethin’.

Batman: Origins is coming

The gaming world was thrilled to learn of Batman: Origins this week.  Fox News was not among them, however, issuing an alert that “alerted parents” that one scene within the game sees the death of Bruce Wayne’s parents and will encourage people to become vigilantes in rubber animal suits.

Achievement Unlocked: 10G – Not really.  They didn’t do that.  Not yet, anyway.  Bookmark this column so you can see the date I said this happened when Fox News really does say this, though.

The Rock to appear on WWE 2K14 cover Continue reading “This Week in Gaming (Snarky Style): CoD championships, EA voted worst company again & Xbox guilty of murder?” »

This Week in Gaming: Minecraft Parties, Madden Covered, The Rock and LucasArts

Wild week in gaming.  Just plain nutty.  As with every Thursday, I shall now provide a fully interactive and quite serious discussion of the headlines that shape our very lives!

Developin’ Ain’t Easy

Seems like some gaming companies reaaaaaaally tried to party a little too hardy.  Among them was Mojang, the studio behind the license-to-print-money game Minecraft.  Numerous attendees at their Game Developers Conference stated that there were numerous young ladies there who were “paid to party” there.

In a totally shocking twist, Mojang denies that they paid anyone to party, mingle or otherwise at the event, shooting down accounts from numerous V.I.P. area attendees who first reported otherwise.

The mystery was later unraveled when it was revealed the “party goers” were actually meant for the release party for the adult DVD Moancraft, which was taking place at a nearby hotel. Continue reading “This Week in Gaming: Minecraft Parties, Madden Covered, The Rock and LucasArts” »

This Week in Gaming: Sexism in Gaming, Best Buy Gets an NES, and Square Enix Boss Takes a Side Quest

Yes indeed… it’s time for another weekly dose of totally serious not-serious yet serious look at video gaming news from the past week.  Watch as I make the internet humor without having to make penis jokes, possibly an internet first.

Best Buy gets an NES

The story of a Best Buy employee’s efforts to save an original Nintendo Entertainment System set went viral this week.

A customer brought in a boxed NES Deluxe Set, complete with original console and the R.O.B. robot, for the store’s “Renew Blue” recycling program, which exists as a green dumping ground for old electronics.  How a person who didn’t realize the value of this set found their way into an electronics store was not explained.

Under company policy this meant the set had to be destroyed.  The employee refused to allow that to happen, risking his job by doing so, until Best Buy corporate intervened, saving the set to place on display at their corporate headquarters.

Several boxed examples of the NES Deluxe Set can be found on eBay, ranging in price from $250-$400, meaning the acquisition of this set tripled the revenue of the Best Buy chain for the first quarter of 2013.

Achievement Unlocked: 10G – Never teach grandma about recycling before leaving her alone with your classic game consoles, folks.

Electronic Arts Aims Again

Battlefield 4 has been revealed, totally breaking the tradition that says first-person shooters are not allowed to have sequels.

“That’s cute,” said Activision’s Call of Duty marketing team.

Achievement Unlocked: 20G – Hate for me that one if you want, but you and I both know which one is going to sell more.  Yes, yes… you’ll be part of the reason why, too.

Another Game Studio Guru Steps Down

Yoichi Wada, the president of Square Enix, has stepped down.

In the tradition of the modern-day Final Fantasy games, Wada’s exit from corporate headquarters was linear, only taking numerous hours as he encountered people with long drawn-out stories.

On the flight home, Wada was reportedly confused by the in-flight movie, as it didn’t let him control the characters every 22 minutes.

Achievement Unlocked: 30G – “But I’m the leading man, and you know what they say about the leading man!” Wada was reported as saying on the way out.

Choppy Choppy Your Pee Pee

A minor league baseball park has installed a urinal with a pee-controlled video game installed.  To move your snowboarder left… you pee to the left.  Want him to go right?  Pee to the right.  No confirmation yet on if he has to eat yellow snow in the event of a crash.

While much of the coverage of this game has poked fun at it, groups of sexist male competitive gamers rejoiced at the invention of a video game they can truthfully claim to be superior to women in playing.

Maybe.

Achievement Unlocked: 40G – I’ll stick with my long-time favorite pee-game ‘Put a Hole Through the Urinal Cake’ for now.

Speaking of  the Underbelly of Sexism in Gaming…

PAX East took place over the weekend.  While many people returned with the flu and a thirteen pound bucket of promotional buttons, Crystal Dynamics Meagan Marie returned with a story.  Turns out a member of the gaming “press” thought it was appropriate to ask a sexually-based question on camera during a Tomb Raider cosplay gathering.

Marie’s powerful blog about the experience, and several other industry experiences of it’s kind, was picked up by a number of gaming news sites yesterday.

“Wow, I’m sure glad everyone doesn’t know it was me who made that joke.  People would likely have some things to say to me about it,” said a guy with the initials N.W., the person who I’ve confirmed made the weaksauce sexist PAX remarks.

Achievement Unlocked: 50G – Don’t worry, fella… just carefully explain how and why you thought it was funny and I’m sure everyone will totally understand and respect that, right?  Yeah.  Keep telling yourself that.

Check back every Thursday for more totally serious and hard-hitting video gaming  journalism.  There’s ways to check up and ensure that you are, you know.

This Week in Gaming: EA CEO Resigns, Jimmy Fallon Sings Mario Kart & “Girls” Play Video Games!?!?

Whoa now… hold on.  PAX East can wait a second.  You need to be totally schooled on the latest gaming headlines first.  Come over here and let’s get that taken care of.

Mainstream Media scared to actually talk to video gamers?

More fun from the “press” this week, as reports on the Sandy Hook investigation apparently discovered the shooter created a spreadsheet of stats from other school massacres.  Naturally, this prompted investigators and New York Daily News “journalists” to conclude and write that this Continue reading “This Week in Gaming: EA CEO Resigns, Jimmy Fallon Sings Mario Kart & “Girls” Play Video Games!?!?” »

This Week in Gaming History: Play It Loud with Scramble, Goonies & A Lawsuit?

Still hung over from drinking so much on a holiday you only know for beer and the color green?  Too bad… it’s time for this week’s history lesson.  Open your books and pay attention.

On March 17, 1981, Konami introduced Scramble, the first game in what most of ya know as the Gradius series.  A challenging space shooter, Scramble was licensed to Stern Electronics for arcade distribution in the United States, where it proved to be one of the top earning arcade games of 1981.

On March 18, 1982 a judge ruled in favor of Atari in a legal battle with Magnavox, makers of the rival Odyssey 2 game console.  The dispute dealt with Magnavox’s K.C. Munchkin,  a maze and eating game that Atari felt was too close to Pac-Man.  Given the product Atari produced with the rights to Pac-Man, one must wonder if they spent less time on the lawsuit and more time on the game….

Magnavox later released an altered version of the game.

March 18, 1982 saw the Japanese release of The Goonies II for the Famicom.  U.S. fans were later confused as to why they didn’t get the first Goonies game for the NES.  It was released in America only in arcades.

March 20, 1995 saw Nintendo totally misunderstand us, coloring the GameBoy cases instead of the screen.  The commercial introducing the various colors was part of the infamous Play It Loud ad campaign where Nintendo tried to act really edgy and cool.

That’s it for now… check back every Monday for more video gaming history lessons as many big anniversaries come near.

This Week in Gaming (Snarky Edition) – Nintendo to pay up, Donkey Kong hacked, gamer wrecks a Droid

Sometimes video gaming headlines can be so challenging to sort out and break down.  Here’s this week’s totally serious attempt to do so.  Totally serious.  Really.  Even without using “unnamed sources” and stuff.

SimCity is oh so pretty

While some of the people who purchased SimCity can now get it to work, some issues remain.  A consumer base upset about the “always” online feature of the game has been told that the game cannot work as a single player game without significant re-engineering of the game.

Sure enough, a player quickly modded the game to work offline, or at least claims to. Continue reading “This Week in Gaming (Snarky Edition) – Nintendo to pay up, Donkey Kong hacked, gamer wrecks a Droid” »

This Week in Gaming (Snarky Edition) – SimCity issues, unnamed sources and Snoop talks gamification

Another week in the gaming world means another week of snarky, yet still appropriate, gaming headlines.  No beating around the bush this week… let’s just get right to it.

SimCity sure has a purdy box

The long-awaited SimCity reboot is out, but thus far most players have only enjoyed the colorful packaging.  Reports of server issues are running rampant, but also misunderstand the problem. Continue reading “This Week in Gaming (Snarky Edition) – SimCity issues, unnamed sources and Snoop talks gamification” »

This Week in Gaming (Snarky Edition): XBox 720 rumors, Glenn Beck pusses out, Conan freaks out

The gaming world continues its whirlwind of finally getting new consoles and games while being blamed by really really old people for the ills of the world.  It’s time for the weekly snarky-yet-eloquent recap of gaming headlines.

FBI says video games don’t cause violence

In a statement that is certain to be ignored by various media, a former FBI profiler appeared on CBS’ Face the Nation and said that the FBI doesn’t see video games as the cause of violent behavior.

“We don’t see these as the cause of violence,” said former profiler Mary Ellen O’Toole. “We see them as sources of fueling ideation that’s already there.”

Case closed, right?  Are we done now FOX News?  Hey, Washington pundits.. does this close the book on this claim?  Sadly, no.  It didn’t take long to see Continue reading “This Week in Gaming (Snarky Edition): XBox 720 rumors, Glenn Beck pusses out, Conan freaks out” »

This Week in Gaming (Snarky Edition) – PS4 exists (we think), WWE has new home, Sandy Hook investigates & Q*bert plays for days

Ah, yes… another week in video games has come and gone.  The landscape (or “Ecosystem®” as Sony called it) has changed.

Here’s your super serious write-up about it all.

If WWE2K14 is your e-mail password, change it

Rumors of a gaming deal between Take-Two and WWE started when Vince McMahon’s baby was notably absent from THQ’s recent IP garage sale.  Now the deal is officially announced and CM Punk and friends are going to continue under the 2K label, with WWE ’14 or WWE2K14 later this year.

No report yet on which on air WWE talent will be used on television to say the title WWE2K14, but reports state it will be one that really shouldn’t be trying to pronounce it.  Always seems to go that way.

Achievement Unlocked 10G – Hoping for a $1 Million 2K sports challenge for this license.  Get Ted DiBiase involved.  People might actually take part in this one.

Do we really gotta go there?

Detectives investigating the terrible events at Sandy Hook Elementary are presently investigating to see if the shooter (which I refuse to celebritize by naming… ever) was “emulating a video game scenario” when he went on his shooting rampage since they found “thousands of dollars worth of graphically violent video games” in his home.

No official word on what they qualified as “graphically violent video games” being that Rated M games make up less than 10 percent of game releases and still only cost $60 each.  Perhaps they were counting Call of Duty map packs, which may very well run into the thousands of dollars.

Achievement Unlocked: 20G – A 20-year-old male plays video games, eh?  Great detective work. Naturally there MUST be a link to his crimes.

Holy @!#?@!

When does playing an arcade video game for 63 hours get overshadowed?  When another player does almost 85 hours on a single coin.

Over the weekend, two classic arcade champs went at it on the classic Q*bert arcade game.  Ed Heemskerk, the previous arcade longevity champion, ran out of steam after 63 straight hours while George Leutz kept going, eventually racking up almost 85 hours and obliterating the nearly 30-year-old scoring record on the game to boot.

“I miss the arcades.  Why don’t they come back?” said some of the viewers of the live broadcasts of the attempts, apparently oblivious to the fact that each Q*bert machine made exactly 25 cents each during the run.

Achievement Unlocked: 30G – Amazing rec0rd-breaking run, yet most casual observers only ask about bathroom breaks.  Seriously.

Sony said something on some stream

Yes.  Sony has announced the PlayStation 4.  Perhaps you’ve heard something about that.  Some gaming news sites mentioned it in passing.

The two-hour live stream attempted to show off all the bells and whistles of the upcoming console, and did a decent job when the stream worked.  Many viewers noted that the stream stopped and restarted enough times to qualify for a FloMax prescription, forcing them to rely on going to the very websites I noted above.

Among the new features includes a little screen in the controller, some insane graphics and social media integration via a “Share” button on the controller.  Personally, I really like the Share button idea, but nonetheless noted several people taking to Facebook and Twitter to complain that they didn’t want social media integration in a video game console.  Irony is fun.

After showing off the graphics capabilities, including a facial demonstration that appeared to use a modern-day Hulk Hogan for a character model, Sony turned to showing ground-breaking and innovative games, including a first-person shooter and a driving game.  Oh wait…

Eventually, after the two-hour stream many potential PS4 buyers sort of noticed the lack of things such as a look at the actual console and an actual release date.  Again, ironically, people took to social media to note this, as if they had a share button of some kind.

On the other side of the soon-to-be PlayStation 4 versus XBox Whatever-It-Will-Actually-Be-Called retail war, Microsoft’s Major Nelson tweeted a snarky remark about Sony’s lack of showing a console during their two-hour parade, but I will refrain from quoting it, as snarky remarks are not welcome around here.

Achievement Unlocked: 50G – Back in my day, next-generation consoles had different names than the consoles that came out before it!  We didn’t just put a new number or letter behind the existing brand name!  Sega had a different console name every year and it worked out great!  

As we now prepare for the newest console wars as the mainstream media continues to blame video games for everything and the Nintendo Wii U continues to point at the PS Vita when people make notes of sales figures… bookmark this site, share this article and come back each week for more totally serious video game “reporting” right here!

This Week in Gaming (Snarky Edition) – Pelosi defends, Aliens gains critics, GameStop freaking out

It was nice to have a common theme to some of these snarky-ass gaming headline recaps for a while, but this week it’s all over the place.  That’s okay, though…. organization in snarky write-ups makes one lazy.  Let’s go.

Pelosi defends gaming?

Perhaps forgetting she’s a big name political leader, Rep. Nancy Pelosi somewhat stood up for video gaming this week, pointing out to an interviewer that gamers in Japan aren’t going off on shooting sprees, yet they have violent games, too.  Or something like that.  Not perfect, enough to raise some eyebrows… even if raised eyebrows is sort of Pelosi’s gimmick. Continue reading “This Week in Gaming (Snarky Edition) – Pelosi defends, Aliens gains critics, GameStop freaking out” »

This Week In Gaming (Snarky Edition) – XBox rumors, Madden name, Rated M game tax

It’s that time of the decade.  You know… the new console rumors start to fly and there seems to be no limit.  Nothing like reporting on rumors and calling it reporting.  Enquiring minds want to know. I want to know.

NextBox 720,000.5

That’s not the “reported” name of the next Microsoft console yet, but when/if you see it somewhere following this article, you’ll know why.

Rumors are flying around that the next XBox, currently strutting around under the nom de plume Durango, will require a constant internet connection and won’t be able to play used games.  Other rumors also include Blu-ray disc and what every hardcore gamer has been eagerly waiting for, a new version of Kinect. Continue reading “This Week In Gaming (Snarky Edition) – XBox rumors, Madden name, Rated M game tax” »

This Week in Gaming (Snarky Edition): U.S. Senators Discuss Violent Video Games, Facepalms Follow

I really want to be snarky about something else.  There should be plenty there, right?  I could talk about the Wii U forecast being lowered like a limbo bar, or all the people complaining about the price of the new Call of Duty: Black Ops II map packs who bought them anyway.

Alas… various Senators and pundits keep opening their mouths about “violent video games” despite not having any real qualifications to talk about gaming.

You can’t learn about video gaming from a trailer or a short play through of a game.  If you ain’t lived it, you shouldn’t yammer on about it.  Since they continue to do so combined with the fact that I’m more than qualified to talk video games… well, they had this coming, didn’t they?

Atari classic Paperboy blamed Continue reading “This Week in Gaming (Snarky Edition): U.S. Senators Discuss Violent Video Games, Facepalms Follow” »

This Week in Gaming (Snarky Edition) – Tearful Gaming Goodbyes, Same Ol’ Violent Video Game Trashing

A mixed week in video gaming news, as some longtime pieces of the video game world said goodbye and more talking heads went on television to blame video games for all of the world’s problems.

THQ stripped for parts Continue reading “This Week in Gaming (Snarky Edition) – Tearful Gaming Goodbyes, Same Ol’ Violent Video Game Trashing” »

This Week in Gaming (Snarky Edition): Video Games Made Me Write This

Well, despite being a video game fan I haven’t yet gone on that violent rampage the media says I will (it’s been 31 years that I’ve played them now, so I must be past due).

So, while we wait for this to take place, I’ll bring you the latest in gaming headlines with a snarky attitude added for flavor.  It’s healthier than salt and if you don’t like it you can always blame video games.

He’s just a Bill… that is pointless Continue reading “This Week in Gaming (Snarky Edition): Video Games Made Me Write This” »

This Week in Gaming (Snarky Edition): Biden on Gaming, Call of Duty Zombie Control & Another Gaming Device

In case you haven’t noticed or have yet to realize you are writing the wrong year on your checks yet, 2013 is finally in full swing, and that means the video game world is, too.

Here’s your weekly required allowance of snarky reaction to video game headlines.

The Price is Right… on the cover

Baseball, minus the $9 hot dogs and crotch scratching, is still taking the mound for 2K Sports with the surprise announcement of MLB2K13, a game title that would also probably make a decent e-mail password. Continue reading “This Week in Gaming (Snarky Edition): Biden on Gaming, Call of Duty Zombie Control & Another Gaming Device” »